This is about a journey, and along this positive journey, I somehow lost who I was, and forgot what I wanted my own life to be.
I am so far removed from the person I was. It has taken a million baby steps, some major changes and immense support, but I finally feel I am on the other side of it all.
I have struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm and addictions for a long time. I continuously wanted to self destruct and sabotage. I wasn't in touch with my true self, as I had buried it, and became a master at pretending. Pretending I was ok, pretending I was coping.
Throughout all this I developed an intense fear of being alone. I feared what people thought of me, I feared hate and scorn, I feared not being loved. Unfortunately I learnt that a quick way to temporarily fix that feeling is to have sex with someone. Being wanted became my drug. My idea of healthy relationships was very skewed. I feared being abandoned, I feared being fenced in.
I have slowly, very slowly, chipped away at this fear. Maybe it will never all be gone, but it doesn't plague me so much now. I found my true friends, and value my family more than ever. I began to see through all the bullshit, and realise that my relationships and interactions were so shallow, very few people actually knew me! Cutting people out of your life is never easy, letting go is a painful process. There were huge periods of chaos and being utterly lost. I hurt people in these times, and I can never apologise enough for the pain I caused. I was selfish and I took for granted. I've lied and not learnt from my mistakes, over and over.
I have had to cut toxic people from my life, but also realise that I can be toxic. I can be selfish and caught up in my own chaos. I have regrets, but I also have experience. I regret that it took me so long to wake up to myself. I regret that I've caused immense pain to people I love.
The pain for me was real though, the repressed memories and feelings - anger, fear, rejection, confusion, sadness, loss and a constant screaming in my head. A need to run, no matter the situation.
I've had to find who I really want to be. Fill my life with things that give me true happiness - my son, my very close friends and my family. Activism, politics and the drive to help others has given me hope that I can make a difference. Forging my own path and finding a place in the world. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle day to day but the bigger picture starts to make more sense. Valuing myself is something I never did. Worrying about the resonance of my actions and who I am as a person is critical now. I don't want to care what people think of me, generally I don't, I just want to be able to look back and say that I lived in a better way.
A feeling of calm that is so foreign to me, is there. I have been in a panic for so long, I wasn't even aware there was anything different.
This journey hasn't ended. I want to find the musical spark again, someday. I'll keep working through my issues. I want not just to cope, but enjoy life.
I couldn't have had this perspective before, I couldn't see what I was doing, I couldn't step into the outer and look at my life for what it was.
